Flowers are Cheap. Divorces are Expensive.

I was hanging out with some friends last Friday and had the fortune to be introduced to this guy, Jack, who actually inspired this blog. I love connecting with new people and learning about their stories (and occasionally playing the therapist).

I gained a glimpse into how Jack's relationship with his ex-girlfriend ended through a story that he shared. He said she complained about how he never planned any trips for the two of them but in his eyes, his contribution was bigger because he had to work hard to pay for those trips and that she was good at planning. That struck a chord with me. I knew exactly what Jack's ex was talking about and it was very interesting to see a male's perspective on this matter and how the potential mismatch in expectations could emrge.

In one of my previous relationships, I was the one that always cooked dinner and planned dates; he was the one that offered to pay more when we went out. Even though it felt like there was a balance there for me, it didn't for him. During one of the explosive fights we had, he accused me of not contributing enough to the relationship because his brain only focused on the money aspect. It caught me by surprise because he discredited all other aspects of the relationship where I was contributing. The negligence and minimizing of our contributions in non-monetary aspects are not only contemptuous and hurtful, but they are also a perfect recipe for break-ups.

Of course, later I learned my worth and got out of that toxic relationship yada yada yada. That's not the point 🙂. The important point here is that men seem to have a blind spot for recognizing non-monetary contributions in a relationship, which I actually have a lot of empathy for.

Men are raised to be the provider, man up, and never cry. They are taught to hide their feminenity and ignore their emotional side. Their brains are wired to be sensitive towards monetary matters, but insensitive towards the intangible, emotional matters which women's brains are more developed in. I don't think these men are assholes (well except the one that I was with 🙃); they simply have this blind spot, which can be made aware to them, and if they are humble enough, they will be willing to open their eyes to see these non-monetary aspects of the relationship and learn to recognize and acknowledge your contribution in these areas.

That being said, if with eyes open, you still think that you paying more money is you contributing more to a relationship, then let me slap you with the cold, hard reality.

Money is the easy way out 🤑🤡

Being the financially independent woman I am today, I say, "money is the easy way out." Gosh if only I could have a boyfriend who would cook for me, clean the house, plan dates, make me happy, and all I need to do is just to provide the credit card, take my f-king money! Sign! Me! Up! 🙄

What I've learned over the years is how precious my time is. And planning takes time. It takes mental energy. Hell it takes physical energy too. And those things are priceless. Any amount that I could pay for those things at all is a bargain. Once you have disposable income, money really is the easy way out and it is for lazy people.

It's only after I started using money to solve my problems did I realize how much effort actually went into cooking a meal, planning a date, and organizing a trip. I have a hard time bringing myself to cook another meal now since it's just so much easier going to a restaurant and paying for someone else to do the grocery shopping, the prepping, the cooking, and the cleaning. And nowadays when a guy offers to cook me a homemade meal, I'm extra appreciative (might not win you a golden ticket to the boyfriend seat, but you'll have a special place in my heart 🤗).

Having been on both sides of this matter, I feel compelled to share my insight because I know that just being a little bit more cognizant and a little bit more appreciative could have made so many relationships so much more fulfilling.

Men, the extravagant dinners, the expensive trips, the private jets don't show us that you care (keep them coming though!). It really is the thought, the little gesture, the non-monetary effort that you are willing to make that warms our hearts. It's really not a hard nut to crack. Was she taking on more of the cooking and house chores when you're going through a stressful time at work or school? How much research did she do when she planned out all those cute little dates that y'all went on? How patient was she with you when you were sorting through your shit? What encouraging words did she give you when you were at your lowest lows? Learn to recognize the ways she's showing you her love, care, and support and give her the acknowledgement she so desires and deserves, and show her the same love, care, and support to the best of your abilities. (Also, buy her those damn flowers, even though she didn't ask for them)

Finally, I want to share this quote that I live by from our favorite, Matthew Hussey:

"Never stop trying to impress your partner. If you can both stay in that place, when you really want to show the best of yourselves to each other, relationships can become such a powerful team."

Matthew Hussey