Avoid These WTF Moments on First Dates

There are moments on first dates which I call the WTF moments. Your date could say something that is just so beyond your comprehension that you start cussing your heart out on the inside while maintaining eye contact with the person and smiling to be polite. I've got a handful of those but lately it has been a recurring theme so I thought I'd write about them so that you guys and gals can be aware of them, just in case you're not!

1. Stop bringing up your exes unprompted

You meet up with your date. You're getting to know each other. Your conversation is going well. And suddenly, they bring up their ex out of the blue and you're like, "W...T...F...!!???" 🤯 So, WTF is wrong with these people?!

People bring up their exes for 3 reasons:

1) To let you know that they've dated before

This is the most typical based on my observation and it is so obvious that sometimes it is pathetic. People want you to think that they have dated before and that they are not inexperienced, but people who so desperately want you to know so are the ones that are the most insecure about the amount of experience they've had.

I am secure and comfortable in myself that I never mention my exes. As a matter of fact, "ex" is such a dirty word that I avoid it at all cost on first dates (unless asked explicitly). You just won't be able to pry it out of me. And I don't even care whether or not you think I'm experienced. That's not a point that I try to prove because I already know who I am and what value I bring to the table that I don't need to justify that to people.

The very ground that this idea people have -- that having been in relationships makes them more experienced -- is a fallacy. You can be in 50 relationships yet still emotionally immature and sexually inexperienced if you never learned and grew from those past experiences. The truly experienced gather their information about you from other stories and other details you share, and never the mere fact of whether or not you have dated before.

This conversation between a guy and myself on our second date is a great example:

Him: Have you seen Crazy Rich Asians?

Me: No. Should I? Is it a good movie?

Him: Oh, I was just wondering. It's my ex's favorite movie.

Me: 😒 (what am I supposed to do with that information)?

So this guy is obviously either still hung up on his ex, or that his emotional intelligence is in the hospital, for a severe case of non-existence (turned out to be the latter).

It's very easy to spot these. You'd feel that the flow of the conversation is interrupted and the logic just doesn't really follow. It'll feel like that piece of information about their ex was forcefully inserted there and doesn't really serve the topic of discussion.

I know you all have the urge to show off that you have been in a relationship before. But it's really not important to your date at all, and it only makes you look insecure in front of the real ones. 

2) To make you jealous

This doesn't usually happen on first dates but could happen in early stages of dating. (And word of advice: run for the hills! Or have an honest conversation first and see how they respond and then run for the hills!)

3) Because they're not over their exes yet!

Some guys are still processing the break-up internally, even though they'd say that they're totally over their ex when you ask them. 🤦🏼‍♂️ Most people are not very in touch with their feelings, or have enough self-awareness to be honest with themselves or others. So watch what they do, rather than listening to what they say. When you have finally processed all your feelings and are finally over your ex, you will not feel the urge to bring them up when you are just meeting someone for the first time, trust me. (Took me 12 therapy sessions and some more!)

The reason why I think "ex" is a dirty word is because they have been left in the past and are no longer relevant. They are past tense, and I am present tense, we are present tense. Unless we are talking about how my past experience helped shape the person I am today, it does not contribute to the conversation by bringing up the past, the good, or the bad. So I would instead say things like "yeah I like cooking. I enjoyed it a lot more when I had someone to cook for" where I was talking about my ex but i just don't say the dirty word.

Don't get me wrong, there are cases where bring up your exes is justified, but most people lack the emotional intelligence to discern the right situation that calls for the mentioning of your exes. And they just end up taking liberty and saying things that just leave you thinking, "cool and wtf am I supposed to do with that information??"

2. Take their damn handkerchief

This was probably one of the most confusing dates that I've ever been on. We were walking in Gas Works Park. It was a really nice day and there were many kayakers and paddlerboarders out on Lake Union. An excerpt of our conversation:

Me: Paddleboarding looks like so much fun! I've always wanted to go but I've never done it.

Him: Oh you haven't? They're pretty fun. My parents have some inflatable paddleboards. They are pretty solid.

Me: (Ok? Are you inviting me? What am I supposed to do with that information? Good for your parents I guess?)

A lot of ours conversations felt like this, where we were just spitting facts at each other without getting involved in the conversation. I got the ball in his court, and he just hoards the ball; I dropped my handkerchief on purpose, and he just picks it up and keeps it. 🤷🏼‍♂️

The handkerchief analogy comes from our "love genius" Matthew Hussey. The idea is that we often romanticize that men in old ages were much more courageous at making the first move; a man sees a woman walking by drop her handkerchief so he quickly picks it up and rushes to the woman to return it to her, and then they start a conversation and one thing leads to another. In the man's head, he made the first move by starting the conversation, but little does he know, the woman made the first move by dropping her handkerchief right in front of him. 🧠

So what does picking up their handkerchief look like?

Her: Paddleboarding looks like so much fun! I've always wanted to go but I've never done it.

Him: Oh you haven't? They're pretty fun. We should go sometimes!

Flirting is a tennis game, and it takes 2 people to get a rally going. You gotta hit the ball, and return it to their court. Otherwise, you won't have a game at all.  Don't be a ball hoarder. 🙅🏼‍♂️

Hopefully these 2 tips made sense to you. Now that you are made aware of these 2 things, you can go ahead and apply them in your datings life. You might still slip up a few times but soon you'll master them and help average up the emotional intelligence of the current dating pool! 🤞